(via i-ship-peeniss)

(via realityisimperfect)

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

aww Welcome baby Eriksen :’D

dreamisawishyourheartmakes:

changing my middle name to “wait-for-it”

(via celinedestar)

(via livetolaugh-l0vetolive)

A typical conversation between Tim Burton and Johnny Depp: 2005-2012

Tim Burton: So, I was thinking of making a movie about...
Johnny Depp: Yes.

(via savannahhavana)

(via bringingstarlight)

thanks for dealing with my shit. happy mother’s day!

thanks for dealing with my shit. happy mother’s day!

#ukulele park time? (Taken with instagram)

#ukulele park time? (Taken with instagram)

(via i-ship-peeniss)

mfreems:

you can keep your superwholock because there will never be a better crossover than the jimmy timmy power hour

(via ew-york)

godvatos:

drinking game idea: watch zoey 101 and every time chase is friend zoned by zoey, take a shot.　

ie. how jamie lynn spears got pregnant

(via safeharb0r)